Clinton Young – Loud and Clear
Topic: Past, present, & future-Death Row, executions
Date: March,1hth 2017
The past few months, while not being very active. I did a great deal of thinking. About the relationships of my life. The way with some I overlooked things I shouldn’t have: which it never gets better when such is done. People have to hold each other accountable , along with themself. With others I did not focus enough on the bond with them for who they was. I focused so much on winning the fight, I often failed to focus enough on the fighters. Not everyone can be fueled off of an idealistic position. Some fight for principle, others based on emotions & desires. I am steadily go,go,go, & go a little more. It is easier to be that way while looking down the barrel of the gun as I am. Plus my fight response seems to so vastly outweigh my flight response. Tied in with the conditioning of spending so many years in prison.
I lock on to the fight & ; just keep pushing forward & forward. This often overwhelms others, as they cant keep up so to speak. As they fall behind, I then would doubt their sincerity. Some that have known me have told me things like. “You can’t expect everyone to be able to meet your standards, if anyone can.” I would take such a statement with pride before. As I seen it as just reinforcement that I could fight longer & harder then others. Though I also now realize the foolishness of it. That I allowed some really great people to slip away. The problem with always looking forward to what’s over the horizon. You often overlook “what is right in front of you & who is beside you. I have even argued with my lawyers, because I felt they was not being aggressive enough. It resulted in one lawyer and I have a couple heated arguments during legal calls. Once I hung up on her. The ‘next she went“ smooth off on me! I was speechless, though I realized she was ‘right. I was being an asshole.
For years I was on outside rec. only, which farther isolated me. Wich made me digress in some ways.After getting off of it &aafter lots of thinking. I realized the ways I was so rigid & locked on that I was becoming my own destruction. A lesson to be learned from the classic Moby dick is how ones obsessions can destroy himself. Also dont be a moby dick! Ha. A balance is always best. Not reducing my desire & passion. Though am trying to be much more understanding & empathetic. To see the world through anothers eyes. It doesnt mean that I have to lose my own vision.
Another thing that I messed up, is not properly expressing all that I was going through. People that write are clueless about prison life & or really my own life. Sure can read some blogs etc to get a general idea. Though can not properly understand my way of seeing things. They way I constantly think about various stuff . The way things in here impact me , be it small or large. I remember reading somewhere about how some with great minds, suffer depression & such. That often their own minds work against them. Guess that is why people say ignorance is a bliss. I am not the smartest person. Though I have my talents. However forcing myself to be an island was self destructive. So often we focus on more & better that we overlook the blessing in life that we do have. Anyways. Point is. I feel better now. Even have gotten along so much greater with lawyer. (this lawyer is one of my main appeal lawyers. She is not featured in any media. All will understand why I say that when film airs. I have appeal lawyers, plus an investigative lawyer that was retained by my supporters).
This place is not designed for mental & emotional growth. Though it can be overcame by staying focused & being self aware. I have seen many spiral into mental chaos! Seen people give up. Totally lose their will to live. Ready to die. Never want to be that way. As long as I can make it through thonight, tomorrow is a new day. It can get better, more so if I can still fight for it to be.
Back to one last part of what I was writing. I know that many I pushed away, I was just in general an asshole, or gave up on. I do sincerely apologize. Some I do not have address anymore. As a result just decided on a public apology.
Now there was many that I cut ties with for being bullshit ass people. Believe me, I have had some crazy ass people write to me, pathological liars & just down right twisted. I could go on & on about that!
Got to sail forward though.
The future. I am not so certain of the future at this point as for time lines. Waiting to see if will have to fight it out on some testing. I shouldn’t have to, with all I have in my favor. Will find out this month. At least that is impression I was given.
You know I wrote something to someone recently. I am going to add it here. While here, when I first got here. I expected certain people that held certain positions in my life to help fight for me. To stay involved. As years passed & they faded away & or did not live up to expectations. I depended so much more on those that wrote me. The more I had to depend on them, the more it made me think about who I should be depending on. It would cause me to be frusatrated. That is natural, though the problem is I focused my frustration on the wrong people. That is why I apologize.
This place is on lockdown. Seems to be a month long lockdown. The meals are given in sacks. Tonight regular meals. They got one sandwhich & 1 baked potato. Just a plain potato. I swear that is IT! One fucking simple sandwhich & one plain ass potato. That was the meal. Years ago dudes would be willing to riot behind that shit. One thing I noticed about this place. So many do not want to appear to be ‘Following’ someone else. Yet so so so many will not take the first steps on their own. It was always the same ones leading the way. We now all have the same thoughts “I am tired of being the only fuckin person!”
Now I am on the diet tray list. I got two sandwiches & fruit. On lockdown the fruit is raisins or prunes. At lunch the regular meals got ONE cookie & one sandwhich. I wish I was lying. Sure lets blame TDCJ. Though I blame also the people locked up here. We allow these people to get away with this bullshit. Normally people have commissary saved up for lockdowns. As we get placed on it every 90 days. I didn’t, as didn’t get much last time when got commissary.
At first I was like “damn I am hungry?” Though my stomach has adjusted to the smaller meals. Plus really we do eat too much. Its why Americans are so fat in general. Most here got high blood pressure & all that. In some ways glad for the forced diet! 🙂 Oh I get the diet meals for having high blood pressure. Though the word diet is decieving by TDDJ standards. Nothing healthy about the meals.
Renaldo Ruiz was executed recently , after 11 pm. Never heard of an execution happening that late. People look at it as he had to wait untill after 11 pm. See? That is the fuckin problem right there! The problem is not that he waited untill 11:27 to be killed. No, the problem is he was 33 minutes from LIFE! 33 minutes. A fight. A resist. Anything. 33 minutes later the death warrant expires. They cant execute when the death warrant expires. A person has to get a new execution date. All dates have to be at least 90 days now. Plus lawyers have to be informed, so it’s 93 days extra life at the least.
In 93 days new evidence can be found, new laws pass, new court rulings develop. All of which can cause one to live out his natural life.
93 days allows lot of possibilities.
33 minutes away.
Every person I spoke to about it expressed about how they killed him so late. No one said ” 33 minutes away..” Its the first thing I thought! I really do see things often in diferant ways than most. Though it’s been that way through out my life. As a child in church, when the story of Adam & Eve is told. I heard that the rib was taken from Adam & that Eve was created after Adam so she could serve him. Another version was that the rib was taken so that she would be at his side. That they walk side by side in life. I asked. “Couldn’t it be that Adam came first so as to prepare earth for her & to protect her?” I got silent stares. Back then I felt stupid for saying it. Though now I understand that they was all thinking “never thought of it that way.”
Maybe even the implications of the history of humanity if the wise men of yore had seen it that way. Hey in life there is presentation & interpretation. 11:27pm or 33 minutes.
Mail situation. A way is being developed, which should be by time this is posted or shortly after, to reduce jpay errors. Hopefully everyone will take the extra minute to do it the way I request, so I do have the added stress of delayed mail and missing letters. After a couple times it will become routine.