Uncensored, August 18, 2005
Well, I am back! I know that I have not posted an article in about two weeks. I have been going through a lot of stress lately. I haven’t felt like writing.
It seems that nothing seems to go right! I got a lot of good ideas, but not enough people willing to help.
Here is a poem I wrote about the despair caused from nothing going right and dealing with fake people.
I am cloaked in despair, enshrouded in misery.
I cover my head to envision the dismiss of reality
I hear the voices of Saints, crying “We Care”
I see the smiles on demons, they laugh out there
The iniquitous declaration of adequacy spews from the hypocrites lips
The beautiful face, – A mask of the imps
They pledge to share my pain and free me from this place
It seems insane to be defeated by this despair
Even worse is the belief they care!
It gets real stressful sitting in a cell all day knowing that unless people on the outside help, that the system will win.
I have gotten a couple of letters from people who have read these articles. They all say the same thing “I know you must have tons of support and help. I am sure you get flooded with mail.” This leave me confused. I can’t figure out where the tons of support is at! I have only gotten like 8 people who wrote me since I started these articles. A few have sent supportive e-mails. I know that some may choose not to write due to me being married and so forth. That is not where the despair comes from. The despair comes from me needing help and not being able to get it.
I have a handful of people who are trying their best to do all they can for me. It gets depressing not being able to get all the help I need. I am so used to doing stuff myself. Now I have to depend on others.
Well, that gets stressful. I don’t know, hopefully things will fall into place.
Anyway, onto other events. On the eleventh of August, I had a minister visit. A lady from Dallas, TX comes to see me about once a month. She sees a few others as well.
Anyway, Robert Shields was out there. I saw his mother walking around. Well, when my visit was over and I was getting escorted out of visit, I had to walk by his visitation cage. I just said “what’s up Shields” and kept walking.
Well, when I got outside of the visitation building, it dawned on me that I didn’t stop to talk to him. I had a lot of stuff on my mind and the guards were talking to me about something , I wasn’t paying attention!
I still regret not stopping to say something to him. I had intended to! I can only blame it on the ADHD. Because from the time the guards got me out of the cage I was in, to his cage, I had my mind on something else! 🙁
Maybe it was a way to cope and avoid the reality of his situation. Plus his mother was there. Ever since Richard was executed, I do not like to see the family members. Seeing Richards daughter, Ricki Marie, used to be hard. Plus after reading all that his mother, Irene, wrote, made me not want to see anyones family!
My mother and I used to be real close. We have not communication now. Well, I got a card from her on my birthday!
The only family member I have any contact with is my baby sister. That is far and few between.
See my mother was real close to my grandfather. He passed away in September of 2004. It was a long drawn out ordeal. At one point my grandfather was in ICU and then my stepfather had a heart attack. So my mom had a son on death row and her husband and father in Intensive Care! A lot of stress on anybody.
Well, a couple of months later, my grandfather passed away. Since then my mother and aunt have drifted away. They went through the death of my grandfather, day by day. It is just like going through this day by day. So I guess they figured it would be easiest to just lay low on my situation. I don’t know what to think about it really but I understand. I don’t respect it though, because they know I didn’t do this crime, yet they………
So I have to depend on people I don’t even know. I haven’t even seen before, to help me save my life. That is some stressful shit.
Plus not knowing what’s going on except through letters, e mails and visits and the time it takes to get those adds to the stress.
Don’t get me wrong. I do appreciate very much all the help I get. It’s help needed to save my life.
I tend to compare people to myself when I believe in something. I do everything I can to support that belief. Just as I believe in being treated a certain way. Someone treats me in a manner that I don’t want to be treated, and I end up on Level 2. O-well!
I am on Level 3 with pride that I stand up for what I believe in. People say they are against in-justice and the death penalty, yet they do nothing to stop it or to prevent in-justice.
“The true measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convienance, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy.” – Martin Luther King
Action produces a reaction. Without action there can be no results. Well, there will be a result, but not a good one. If people don’t stand up and act a friction against this machine, it will keep on rolling along and picking up speed as it crushes those placed in it’s path.
Who knows, events might take a turn for the positive.
I still do not even have a lawyer! The courts haven’t informed me of anything. I might get a letter from the court tomorrow.
Back to Robert Shields. I tried to get a visit set up for the 23rd, so I could be out there to speak to him before he gets executed! Unfortunately, I was unable to. My comrad, Steven Woods, tried to as well. He was unable to.
I haven’t done much lately to disrupt the system. I started a fire, that was it. I was trying to get an inmate to inmate legal visit with an associate to help him on his federal writ to make sure all important issues were filed by his lawyer. The Captain denied it and indicated I was a threat to the security of the institution. 🙂
Ha! I like that. I have been quiet. So I can’t wait to see what he has to say when I get loud!
I am going to go ahead and bring this to an end. I just wanted to drop off an article. A better one will follow up.
Stand Tall, Fade All, Never Fall
Use the Pain to Fuel the Fire
Unity is the Key to Success
3872 FM 350 S.
Livingston, TX 77351