Uncensored 7/22/05

Greetings to all! I would like to welcome all to another journey into the mind of Clinton Young!

This weeks episode will mostly be personal and be on the topic of love.

I had a visit with my wife yesterday, which is what is the motivation of this article. The word closest to how I feell about here was given by Elizabeth Barnett Browning - How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach.?

Love is like a cough, it cannot be hid. When I first felt myself falling into love with my wife, I began to look for reasons to push her away. I compared her to others and tried to find any reason I could not to love her. It is much easier to push someone away from me than to hold them close. If I push them away from me, then how can they hurt me?

I then decided to give her a chance and knock away some of the walls that incase my heart. The more we talked the harder I fell. I then asked her to marry me. I was extremely nervous. I was thinking You idiot, you are going to ask her and she is going to say no and youre going to look like a total jackass!? I decided to run with it and ask her.

When I did, her eyes got wid. I though there you go?, but she said yes. I felt like a drowning man given a breath of fresh air. My heart was racing and I was sweating. I smiled and said Oh-yeah?? Then after we officially got married, I would catch myself doing the same bullshit I was before. Just looking for reasons to push her away. I became extremely critical. They say a person doesnt know what they have until they loose it. I am here to testify this is very true. This past month my wife and I hadnt communicated as much as usual. At first I would get angry when I wouldnt get a letter from her for several days. Then a visitation was missed. Well, this went on over the month. She became all I talked about. I would get angry. I would worry. I wrote her asking her if I am supposed to be taking a hint. She had some of her own problems and issues to deal with. I was so consumed with what “I“ was going through that I didnt take into consideration what she was going through.

I expressed my concern about my relationship to an associate. He told me “that girls got you wrapped around her finger.?

I got mad and said, You got me fucked up, aint no broad got me wrapped around anything!? This was completely an ego driven statement.

Well, he went back to his cell (He was at recreation). I thought about all we talked about, myself and my wife.

Well, I got a letter from her that night. I felt like a little kid on Christmas! I then realized that I was being selfish. I felt like a total ass! I realized how much she truly means to me.

I laid in the dark listening to the radio. I thought a lot about her and myself.

The next morning I went to recreation in my associates dayroom. I hollered at him Lookout kinfolk!? (He is a distant relative). I then told him “Dude, you are right. This woman does have me wrapped around her pinkie! I am going crazy over her!?

He proceeded to tell me that for the last week and a half all he has heard me talk about was my wife! I realized in those few days how much she truly means to me. I felt ashamed of all the doubts and my critical and selfish thoughts. Her happiness became the only thing that mattered to me!

When I saw her at visit she looked more beautiful to me then ever before. I began to explain to her all I have thought and felt. As I attempted to confess all of my inner thoughts and feelings about her and for her, I felt my eyes start to sting. In seeing her and hearing her voice, I felt as if all the weight lifted off my shoulders. When I looked into her eyes, I felt that funny feeling in my chest that makes it hard to breath! Love so much it hurts.?

We placed our palms on the glass. I looked at how close our hands were yet I couldnt touch her. I felt myself getting depressed. So close, yet so far away!

He is a poem I wrote about a person on the row falling in love:

Misunderstood?

My broken hear begins to heal.
Through my open mind shall never fall!
I thought myself to be solid.
O-how her beauty penetrates my souls like sharpened steel.
I stare into the mirror, s my mind begins to drift.
I cant help but wonder, how does she feel?
Then the rage begins to simmer and the hate starts to boil.
The fantasy shatters, as reality explodes before me.
I reside in the pits of hell, classified a demon and set aside to die.
What love shall be speared on a monster, illuminated with evil?
Why would an angel of divine grace open her heart for such a cruel pitiful waste?
Why would such loving eyes even gaze upon a killers face?
Why would she allow my wicked ways to pollute her pure soul that sparkles like a natural spring?
With a face that glistens like a diamond cut by the hand of God and shaped by the sincerity of time.
If I could only escape the stereotypes, knock away the barrier and shine through the smoke screen.
O-I wish I possessed the strength to open her heart, the wisdom to open her mind and the patience to reveal to her the truth.
That I am no demon, just lost, like a child in the woods with a fear that is so often misunderstood.

Clint Young

Honestly, I wrote that prior to developing my relationship I have with my wife. I did, however, write a different special version for her.

Note* All the references to monster, evil, demon and so forth are only intended to point to the common stereotypes placed on people on Death Row. I do not accept any of these stereotypes, labels and/or negative classifications. I am not a monster, demon, evil, killer and/or anything in relation to these negative anti-social labels.

Anyway.

Love is a riddle, a mystery, and a monster that can devour you alive. So why do we pursue it? That is a question asked many times through history.

Truthfully, we all need love. “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is Love.� - Sophocles.

That is a very true statement. I have experienced he truth of it. Though with the good comes the bad. I am on Death Row, waiting to be slaughtered to bring justice to a crime that I did not do all in the name of justice. This fact is a cold reality. The judicial system has shown that it does not give a damn about righting any wrongs. After all they did say Innocence does not matter so long as the defendant received a fair trial.?

The thought of the pain my wife will go through if I am slaughtered scares me. It as well motivates me to fight harder. I have people I have developed a friendship with who I also fight for as they put forth effort to help me save my life.

Janice has done all she can to help me. We havent written that long, so I was surprised by the degree of dedication she has placed in my battle.

I actually just started writing to Suzanne as well. I am very thankful for her help.

One of my closest friends in truly a unique person. Her name is Vicktoria. She is one of the very few people in this world who I feel comfortable expressing my personal thoughts to. She embraces the reality of my situation which is what helped strengthen our friendship.

Which brings me to another point. Some people out there in the free world think it is fun to play with other peoples emotions. I have had girls write me and in the first letter talked about how much they thought about me and they found me by fate and feel drawn to me. When I wrote her back and told her I was married, I never heard from her again!

You know, people need to be real to themselves. That girl actually thought she would be able to sell that fraud ass bullshit to me. I felt insulted more than anything. It is a shame that some girls do that. Only a very few small minority try that B/S.

All the knowledge I posses everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own. I can choose to allow someone in, but above all it is my own.

It is sad that some people play with love. It is like a loaded gun with a hair trigger. Love has its reasons which reason know nothing of. Love has been the dictator of life and death. It is a power that should not be treated as a simple toy.

To me hell is to love no longer. Not to be able to experience the joy I feel from the love of my wife would be a living hell to me.

The last article I wrote was written during a period of turmoil I was going through over my wife. Janice and Suzanne had the privilege of reading about how it affected me on a personal level. Both offered me advice that I greatly appreciate.

Another woman who I write that had begun to develop an attachment to me acknowledged that she understood the feelings I have for my wife and stated that she would keep her feelings contained as she didnt want to interfere with my relationship with my wife. She knows who she is. Now that is a woman who I have tremendous respect for. I am greatly appreciative of her integrity and respect for me. It shows that she is true to herself so I now feel comfortable as I know that she can be true in this battle to save my life.

I have heard opinions of several officers and pro-death penalty people about guys on the row and the woman they write. Some tend to think that we are all out to manipulate and con people. I cannot say that this does not happen. I can only write about the sincerity of my own heart.

There are people in the free world who tries to manipulate people on the row! (by Suzanne: One inmate manipulated was recently executed by a woman and she knows who she is. I expect no hate e-mails from my statement. Thanks, Suzanne.) So I guess that knocks away some walls, huh?

My wife is one of the very few people who know all the good and the rest. She has seen all of my trial reports, including everything that was said. She has met people who have known me all of my life including members of my family and associates. This helps her look past these walls and stereotypes.

I believe in honesty and integrity. Integrity means to be true to ones self. If I cant be true to myself, then how can I be true to anyone else?

I am straight forward and honest with all those involved in my battle. I am no angel. Never have been and never will be. Though I am no demon. I am just a simple man who lives according to complex principles.

The ironic thing about me writing all I have written about love and my wife in this article is the fact that my wife doesnt even read the articles! There is no point for her to. As I tell her everything involved in these articles and then some.

Anyway, I mainly just wanted to express my love for my wife to the world. Kind of like Tom Cruise love Katie Holmes! HaHa!!!

Karen, I got your letter. One is on its way to you.

Marina, thanks for the information.

Paddy, I got your letter. I will be responding soon.

I guess I have provided Suzanne with enough typing to last a week. The next issue will be about life on the row and why outside support is very important to the emotional, mental and even physical stability of a person on the row.

I leave you all as I came. Unity is the Key to Success! Focus on the goal. Overcome the Challenge.

Use the pain to fuel the fire.
Stand Tall, Fade All, Never Fall
Respectfully,
Clinton Young
#999447
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 S.
Livingston, TX 77351

All contributions are most welcome! Thank you!