Uncensored 2/06/05

I have been here at the Texas Death Row, now about 22 months. After my first week here, I began to wonder how or whysomeone would or could stay for years in these boxed we call home.

I know men who have spent years in these cages of oppression that we are housed in. Some are never the same after they were released.

You see, the single man cell that we are housed in on the row along with the program we live under was designed solely for the purpose for the dehumanizationand psychological oppression of the prisonerin order to bread down resistance, so that the offender can become dependant on the officer AKA turn us from a man to obedient dog. It was developed to be used from an average of 6 months, which is what the officials believed would take to modify the negative behavior of violent prisoners housed in general population.

Now because of politics, money and fake stereotypes, Death Row inmates are forced to live in these cells. The sensory deprivation , inadequate food and thought of dying become too much for some.

As it did for Deon Tumblin AKA Spotlight and Christopher Britton AKA Psycho Bob! Both of these human beings killed themselves by hanging. I knew both of them.

I knew Spotlight a little better than Psycho Bob.

They killed themselves within 3 months of each other. 3 months before Spotlight killed himself, another guy tried his damnedest to kill himself.

I want to discuss Spotlight for a shore period. He had certain traits that I didn’t like about him, though we had mutual respect for each other.

Two of the traits bout Spotlight that stands out in my mind are his humor and overall willingness to help others.

He lived 2 cells down from me when he died. I have lived on the same section and Pod on 6 different occasions with him, which is not a common thing. Anytime I needed anything, he would give it to me.

On November 2, 2004, he hung himself. We had been laughing and joking amongst ourselves and with Tiny and another neighbor the night before. We were mostly picking on Spotlight because he got fake case. A sorry ass, piece of trash, loud mouth female officer wrote him up.

It really wasn’t a funny matter, because the case was going to prevent him from getting a long awaited special visit from his mother.

Now several ranks told him that they would throw the case away and let him go from Level 2 to Level 1 so he could get his visit. Well on November 2, 2004, I was in the dayroom and 2 officers brought Spotlight back on the pd from Court on the cast that was supposedto be thrown away!

I asked him ‘Spotlight, what the hells up with that case, homie?’ He just shook his head and said ‘Everything will be alright.’

After about 30 minutes or so, I went back to my cell and started to talk to my neighbor. I called Spotlight a few times. When he didn’t answer, I yelled ‘Oh, hell, Spotlight done killed himself’. I was 100% liking. I had no idea that at around that same time, he was actually killing himself! I assumed that he was just asleep or mad. I went back to talking to my neighbor.

Well, they came by with the food and when they got to Spotlight’s cell, I heard the guards calling his name, ‘Tumblin, look out Tumblin, you’re gonna eat?’

He had is towel over his door screen so that the officers couldn’t see in his cell.

They then said ‘Tumblin’ and began beating on his door. ‘Tumblin, take the towl down if you’re gonna eat. Alright, Tumblin, I am about to knock the towel down’.

The female officer did this and realized that his light was off.

She then instructed the Control Picket to turn on all cell lights. As soon as the light came on, both officers screamed and on dropped the pitcher of juice she was holding. (It was two female officers.)

Now from that point ‘til they finally cut him down was almost 10 minutes. About 15 or 20 officers came running to the section.

Instead of opening his door and cutting him down, they violated all procedure and sprayed him with pepper spray. HE WAS HANGING!

I then lost all self control and began yelling ‘You f***king cowards, cut him down!’

They, being the guards, started choking, so I took a deep breath and yelled ‘That gas ain’t shit, get the f*** in there and cut him down, the dude is hanging you stupid ass pigs!’

They looked at me like I was crazy.

They had to wait ‘til another officer brought gas masks for five of the officers to go into his cell. No shield, no armor, just gas masks. They didn’t have the common sense to get the masks before they violated procedure and gassed spotlight!

They finally cut him down.

Then the nurse decided to shop up. I heard her tell them, ‘There is nothing I can do for him’.

I saw them pick him up and put him on the gurney. I looked right at his face and saw his tongue sticking out and nose bleeding. Every night I go to sleep, this sight creeps into my mind.

When they were wheeling him out, I yelled out ‘Y’all some cowards’ and ‘Long live the Spotlight’.

I went to my bunk and crawled up into a ball in the corner and didn’t talk for awhile. It just seamed so unreal that a man I had just taled to killed himself because of this plcase and program became to much for him.,

I did not sleep for two days! Nor have I been the same since.

The very next day a female officer came by my cell and said ‘Hey, Young, you okay?’ I said ‘yeah’. She then said ‘hang in there’ and after a pause said ‘I know Tumblin did’ and gave a stupid little grin.

I could only reply ‘You stupid swine, get away from my cell’.

I head several guards make jokes about it though out that week.

Some may wonder how they could do such a thing. It is this program. It causes them to believe that we are less than human. This is a fact! A man will resist. A dog will submit!

Now I learned that Psycho Bob killed himself. I can only wonder when or better yet how many have to kill themselves before the prison official and government stops the torture. They know that these cells drive people crazy. That is why they send a psychologist around every 90 days.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. James Porter who was a close associate of mine killed himself on January 4, 2005 by canceling his appeals and getting a lethal injection. He did so because he couldn’t take this place.

I can’t believe I forgot about his suicide. That is 3 in the last 3 ½ months! I think that is a record.

Now it isn’t normal for me to know all these people. There are like 450 guys in here. I don’t even know ½ of them. I know or have met like only a quarter of the death row population. So far all three of the suicide to be people I know has had a major impact on me.

Another guy I know tried to kill himself with pills and then a month later stabbed himself throughthe neck with a slender piece of metal. He did this about a month before Spotlight killed himself.

I actually just remembered about him as well. It is a damn shame that the more I write, the more I remember people who killed themselves or tried to. There are a few others, but I do not know them and I believe their effort was more for attention, as they were the ones who informed the guards of this attempt.

The sad part is that it seems that no one on the outside cares. The newspapers aren’t printing these facts and there has been no public outcry.

But not many care about low life death row inmates! Hell, most believe we need to die anyway. Some scream ‘an eye for an eye’, others yell out ‘It’s Murder.’

I believe Mahatma Ghandi said it best ‘An eye for an eye leave everyone blind.’

There is a quote by Shakespeare that I would like to share with you. It goes, ‘The quality of mercy is not strained, it dragseth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed; it blesseth him that give and him that takes’.

I would like to add that by having the mercy to join a struggle to make right, a wrong benefits all involved. You can make a difference. Together, we can create a change. All it take is a little mercy and compassion.

Long live the Spotlight.
RIP
Psycho Bob
Spotlight
James Porter
& all the Rest!

All contributions are most welcome! Thank you!