FORGIVENESS!!

Forgiveness. Most of us seek it out. More of us try to be better people by giving it. Do you know the elements of forgiveness? Sympathy? I have a friend, actually two that 'preach' to me about it.. A book was recently being discussed by my neighbor and I. The book is Belly of the Beast. It's about prison. I didn't read all of the book as the guy the book is about is a marxist. (A follower of Karl Marx, the author of the communist manifesto). I as well disagree with the writers understanding of prison racism. Which is different than everyday racism in the free world. Anyways. I drift. In one part of the book he writes about a person that is locked up by the state from the age of a young teenager to adulthood and how that person can't truly understand forgiveness, sympathy and such. He will be aware of these things, but the application of it is foreign to him. The reason being that prison life is built around the Alpha Male complex. Who's the toughest.

As a result of this forgiveness and sympathy is not often shown. If it is , it is perceived as a weakness. Even something as simple as saying “I am sorry” or even “thank you” has too much of a formal air to it.

This often causes conflicts with some that I write. I was told once by someone during an argument, that I was ungrateful. She went on about what she done for me and such. Now I would say “I appreciate it”. I didn't realize there was a difference. “Thank you” carries a deeper meaning. In prison we often just say “appreciate that”. Now she was pissed at me so it was really more about her strengthening her position in the argument, so was looking for reasons. But it got me to thinking.

Having been locked up for so long it conditions me towards certain behaviors. Some even positive. Example. The Motel I always hung out at before I got this case, there were several couples that lived there as well as others that was a common presence. So there was more often than not, some drama at one time or another.

When someone would make a comment about it to me I would respond with “say that aint my business huh” This in general caused others to have more trust in me. Now in prison getting other peoples business is a way to get hurt. Humans are naturally curious. We keep up with others naturally as part of the tribal system or social structure. There is a difference on being aware and speaking on the matters of others. Speaking on it is associated with gossip. Gossip is associated with women.

Anything associated with stereotypical woman concepts is seen as a weakness in prison. It's the Alpaha Male complex. Forgiveness, sympathy, compassion and etc is considered traits of a woman. I am speaking in concern of the beliefs in an environment that is ran by the Alpha Male ideology. To understand a system you have to understand the foundation and creator of that system.

Who creates the prison systems? The government. Who operates the system? The government. Why would the government enjoy an Alpha Male environment? Very simple. If the inmates are too focused on the pecking order amongst each other, how can we focus on them.

The United States has the largest prison population. It is one of the VERY few countries in the world that locks up juveniles for life without parole. The system will have a hearing to certify a juvenile as young as 14 years old as an adult. That juvenile will then be able to be sentenced under the adult laws. A 14 year old gets none of the adult privileges, but as soon as he/she breaks the law they get the punishment of an adult.

Thousands, tens of thousands, of juveniles are thrown into juvenile prisons, then conditioned while there as a means to survive and then released to the public. Many officers in TYC would state “we just get them ready for TDCJ” (TYC, juvenile system, TDCJ, adult system) In the trial testimony that should be posted on my website www.saveaninnocentlife.com , of Rachel Polk. She makes comment about fights being such a common occurrence. They get numb to the violence.

Now to sum it all up.

The conversation about the book helped me to realize how the system conditions us against having forgiveness and remorse. The ability to understand how to apply it. In prison if you see someone getting bullied the proper thing to do is stay out of it. As it ain't your business. The only real difference in TYC and TDCJ, was how the inmates would unite against the guards. In TDCJ unity amongst prisoners is almost non-existent. Unless they are mutual gang members. In TYC, unless you was a sorry lowlife or child molester, if the guards done something foul to an inmate everyone would unite. There was numerous times that gangs was in full war and would halt their conflict and go after the guards. Then when the conflict with the guards ended, they would go back to their war. BUT if the conflict was inmate on inmate you stayed out of it.

Now I myself understood and appreciated the concepts of forgiveness, sympathy, etc. But only towards certain groups, such as the innocent, the elderly, women and children. In the Alpha Male environment that is who you respect and protect. But emotion still isn't proper to be shown. It took me a year to really get comfortable with my trial lawyers and not keep up the tough guy image. So they had seen the tears and fears. They had seen the tears I shed about the murders. More so Samuel Petreys' murder. But in the court room, more so in front of the prosecutors, I didn't want them to see me sweat. I didn't want them to think that they had me scared. So I carried on as if it was no big deal. What I wasn't thinking about was how others not understanding all I had been through, would fail to understand my actions. So the victims family looked at me as arrogant and without remorse. Now I didn't kill their loved one. Though I still felt pain and regret over the even and loss of their loved one. One of the few times I lost control of my emotions in my trial was when they showed the photo of Samuel Petrey and his granddaughter.

So emotions aren't totally alien to me. Though the conditioning I revived by spending so many years in a violent Alpha Male environment, I had lacked the ability to properly understand how to apply and read these different emotions.

So the very system that creates these behavioral patterns uses it against us, to condemn us.

My neighbor is an old school black dude that has been in the system for decades on the row. We have known each other and lived around each other off and on through the years I have been here. We have daily discussions on different matters. More so political arguments. Though there is lots of self reflection on my part, so I will engage him in conversation about thought of myself and different events. It is taboo, due to some of the personal conversations and interaction I do have with him. Prison politics concerning race. Anyways, I digress. But still am feeding the point. The United States of America. One of the so called super powers. The so called “greatest nation on Earth” Leader of democracy.

How is it that such a great place destroys its youth? Condition us then kill us. Why is it that this great nation in rankings of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Developments 30 free market countries, American 15 year olds come in 21^st in science and 25^th in math! OUT OF THIRTY! We lead the world in incarcerated youth. We trail the world in educated youth.

Many politicians are currently in an uproar from both sides about health care. When the very fabric of our nation is being destroyed. The future of our nation depends on those that the government seems the least concerned about. We lock up our undereducated youth, condition them towards remorseless behavior and then we kill them or lock them up again and condemn them as sociopaths or demons for being victim to their very own system.

California, Texas, and Florida. What do these states have in common? The largest death rows in the nation. What else? The worst juvenile prison systems in the nation. Floridas' juvenile system is designed like TYC. In the halls of Marlin state school with was the orientation unit for all TYC offenders. (it is now mark state school in Mark Texas.)

Well on the wall was all kinds of newspaper articles about Florida setting up their juvenile system like TYC. Guess who was governor of Texas? George Bush. Guess who was governor of Florida? Jeb Bush, yes they are brothers. The connection to focus on is the link of worst juvenile system and largest death rows.

Now something I want all to do. Hopefully many of you do it. I want all to read “The Unmaking of the criminal mind” by Bobby Delgado. Now he was a gang leader that became a Christian. So the book contains religious concerns but a good deal of it is about the prison system. The design of it. Trust me, it is a must read! His full name is Robert Vallejo Delgado. Though the book is most likely under Bobby Delgado. Read it and you will have a much better understanding of this world we call prison. There are many books that contain his writings, but the one that you need to read is “The unmaking of a criminal mind”

To wrap it up by drifting back to the beginning of this article. There is always more to know to properly understand myself. As well as why the prosecution does and says the things they do. A perfect example is from the New Yorker article about Cameron Todd Willingham. They used Led Zeppelin and Iron Maiden to make Todd a demon. He didn't testify on his own behalf, so the prosecution gets away with it. If listening to Led Zeppelin and Iron Maiden make you a sociopath and mean you're into satanic behavior, then between the US and Europe we got about one hundred million demonic sociopaths. More so since Led Zeppelin was one of the all time greatest selling rock bands. Prosecutors are elected. When are you going to break your conditioning and stand up for justice?

Whats the name of Beyonces last CD? What is the name of the three top selling clothing brands? How many children drop out of school in your state? How many children go to jail in your state? Which two questions can you answer?

I am trying to improve my ability to forgive. I try to increase my ability to be more open. It is a journey.

I leave as I came.

Sincerely

Clinton Young #999447

Polunsky Unit DR

3872 FM 350 South

Livingston TX 77351

PS Catia, you got a letter on its way. I was finally able to get stamps.